yamanai ame da neeee

Monday, March 22, 2010

i don't like people who don't listen.
it tells me you can't be bothered, you're too busy to talk to me.
its so sad. but so inherent, nothing can be changed.
seriously, personality is so impossible to change.
yes you grow up, you become more sensitive.
but sometimes, i think people didn't actually become genuinely a better person, we just learn to better and more effectively inhibit our undesirable responses.
and with close friends, this inhibition tend to fall away... and it strips us all down to this unchanged person.
ok la, thats too extreme... but hai..

its ironic, i'm doing an essay abt high agreeableness (im high in that man, like so high)
and im typing all these good things abt the trait, but i don't believe it and i don't like the way it sounds. they explain agreeableness as effortful control which means, i supress my own interests in the interest of the group. its not that i DONT think abt myself, i do but i prefer to give it up in order for the group to remain peaceable. its so.... sad.
is it true? i'm not too sure.
i'm well aware of the fact that i don't know myself very well.
and i think most people don't know themselves very well...
i think it must have been the environment i grew up in.. i was so bitter as a child (not in the adult sense, but in the child-like sense haha), i hated the lack of justice in things that are going on around me (and that hasn't changed). i didn't understand alot of things and no one bothered to explain them to me, simply dismissing me as the youngest of the family.
i guess if now, as a more objective grown up, if i could observe my interaction with my family, it won't actually be that bad.. but i clearly remember how neglected i felt when all 5 of us were in the car. or when we went to grocery shopping together. i remember crying abt this in the car, and getting more upset because no one noticed. its makes me sad even to recall that now.
but i couldnt voice it out, it would have been such a ridiculous thing to say because in all senses my family was so... good. we were a good enough family.
so i kept it in. i used to cry alot as a kid.
until now, my parents cannot understand when i try to tell them about fairness.
i guess its not a concept they grew up with.
in the end, no one can be blamed.
wellllllllllll. this made me an agreeable person and according to the essay i just typed i should be damn glad that i am one. looks at all those advantages.

11:36 PM